KNIGHT WATCH

DOES LOVE STILL MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND?

Love doesn’t have to end because of differences in race. In 2012 interracial marriages in the U.S. are at an all-time high – 4.8 million. The Pew Research Center found 8.4% of current marriages are interracial – up from 3.2% in 1980. Hispanics and Asians remain likeliest to intermarry, but the biggest increase is among blacks. States in the West are likeliest to have mixed marriages – 1 in 5. The South is second likeliest followed by the Northeast and Midwest. Vermont is the state with the least mixed marriages – 4%. By the way, the “in” phrase for intermarrying is “marrying out”.

Love doesn’t have to end in the office. In 2011 CareerBuilder surveyed 7,780 full-time workers who weren’t self-employed and didn’t work for the government. Thirty-eight percent had dated a co-worker. Hospitality and financial service workers were the likeliest to date a colleague – 45%. Transportation and utility workers were the second likeliest – 43%. Twenty-eight percent of workers had dated someone higher up the company ladder and 18% had dated their boss. Although the majority of workers were open about their relationship, 37% kept it a secret. However, for 31% their office relationship led to marriage – otherwise known as overtime without pay.

Love doesn’t have to end when couples are geographically separated. In 2012 more than 3.5 million married couples in the U.S. have “commuter marriages”. Although the growing number has been influenced by relaxing social norms and the prevalence of online dating, the biggest factor is the economy. Nearly 60% of couples who live apart do so because of financial reasons. A 2009 UCLA study found couples who lived apart are likelier to live in urban areas, be better educated and be younger. Happily, however, studies show commuter marriages aren’t likelier to end in divorce. Maybe absence does make the heart grow … farther.

Love doesn’t have to end after marriage. A study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science surveyed 274 married Americans nationwide. On average the respondents were in their mid- to late-40’s and had been married 20 years. Among those who were married at least 10 years, 40% remained “intensely” in love. They had more hugs, kisses and sex. Common interests were important – especially if they were new or challenging. General life happiness was important too. However, neither education level nor money affected long-term love. It seems love can endure in spite of the “age” in marriage.

 

HOW ARE WE RELATING TO RELATIONSHIPS?

Twenty-seven percent of singles don’t want to marry. That’s according to the annual “Singles in America” study, which surveyed 5,541 singles across the country. Approximately 35% wanted to marry and 40% weren’t sure. The top 5 turnoffs to singles were sloppy appearance (67%), laziness (66%), neediness (63%), humorlessness (54%) and distance – more than 3 hours – (49%). Thirteen percent of women and 7% of men wanted the same religion, 13% of women and 8% of men wanted the same ethnicity and 36% of women and 13% of men wanted an equal wage earner. In 2012 that’s what is “singularly attractive”.

“Modamily” is a website that pairs couples interested in co-parenting, but aren’t interested in sex or marriage. Although similar social networks exist in Europe and Israel, this is the first in the U.S. Launched in January 2012, the New York-based site had approximately 20,000 visits the first week, of which 70% were heterosexual men in their 40’s and 50’s. Through a co-parenting contract the couples decide how the child will be conceived and raised – including religion, time commitments and financial obligations. The fee to subscribers is $50 a month. Gee … Modamily seems to have thought about everything – except the children!

Relationships with strangers can make us overeat. In a study published in PLoS ONE, 70 pairs of women ate in a lab made to look like a restaurant. At the beginning of the meal the pairs of strangers were 3 times likelier to mirror the other’s overall eating behavior. This was attributed to their trying to make favorable impressions. Other studies have shown that people ate more when eating with others and that people with eager-to please personalities were likelier than other people to eat a larger amount when offered food – which may give new meaning to “pleasingly plump”.

And then there’s the relationship people have with their phone. A survey of 1,000 people by marketing company 11 Mark found 75% of Americans used their mobile phone in the bathroom. Sixty-three percent had received a call and 41% had initiated a call. It seems Blackberry users were likelier to talk. Droid and iPhone users were likelier to browse a social network or use an app. When broken down by sex, 30% of men always took their phone into restrooms compared to 20% of women. I guess that explains the 19% of people who have dropped their phone in the toilet.

 

HOW DO WE RELATE TO RELATIONSHIPS?

Women who eat with men eat less. Psychologically, that’s not surprising. However, men who eat with men also eat less. Even after multiple factors were correlated with how much people ate, a study published in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology found when women ate with women, they ordered an average of 833 calories. When they were with men, the average was 721. When men ate with women, they ordered an average of 1162 calories. When they were with men the average was 952. It seems both genders react to an unconscious script when eating with men. It’s some sort of “men-tal reservation”.

People pick friends that are just like them. According to a study published in the journal Group Processes and Intergroup Relations, the more choices you have, the likelier you are to pick friends with your beliefs. Friends at a large university, as well as at several rural colleges, were asked questions about politics, moral beliefs, prejudices and health-related activities. On larger campuses friends tended to share the same beliefs. On smaller campuses friendships were more diverse and friends rated their friendships as closer. It seems “Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends” – that’s according to Shirley MacLaine.

Women prefer men with deep voices. In a study published in the journal Memory & Cognition, women were shown various objects while hearing the objects’ names spoken by both high-pitched and low-pitched voices. Not only were the women much likelier to recall objects correctly when the objects were introduced by deep voices, but they also expressed a strong preference for those voices. It seems deep voices are likelier to be associated with emotional warmth and other highly desirable traits. Of course, if a woman had to choose between 2 men with low-pitched voices, it would be a “pitched battle”.

Americans are more monogamous. A study published in the journal Family Process included 6,864 people. Responses from 6,082 were from 1975 and the rest from 2000. The percentage of married/straight men having affairs dropped from 28% in 1975 to 10% in 2000. For married/straight women the percentage dropped from 23% to 14%. Among gays and lesbians (in civil unions or committed relationships) the percentage dropped from 83% to 59% and from 28% to 8% respectively. It seems the increase in monogamy can be attributed to fear of sexually transmitted diseases. Obviously, “in sickness and in health” doesn’t cover everything.

 

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?

 Marriages are at an all-time low. According to a 2011 Census Bureau analysis, since 1970 the median age for first marriages increased from 22.5 years to 28.4 years for men and from 20.6 years to 26.5 years for women. In 2000 57% of adults 18 and older were married. In 2010 it was 52%. Utah, Wyoming and Arkansas had the highest marriage rates. Maine, Alaska, Oklahoma, Kentucky and Nevada had the highest divorce rates. The decrease in marriages was attributed to more divorces, more couples living together, more job prospects for women and an uncertain economy. It seems the “for better or worse” is getting worse.

Marriage and divorce cause weight gain; but according to an Ohio State University study, couples are affected differently. Two years after marriage, couples had gained weight compared to their single counterparts - but wives had gained more. This was attributed to married women eating more and getting less exercise due to childbearing and maintaining a household. Two years after divorce, men and women had gained weight compared to couples who had stayed married - but husbands had gained more. This was attributed to husbands returning to their pre-marriage lifestyle. Obviously, the stresses of marriage and divorce “lie in weight”.

A study presented to the American Sociological Association found married couples affect each other’s bad eating habits. One hundred and twenty-two heterosexual, lesbian and gay couples – with an average age over 40 and an average relationship of 14-25 years – were asked about their interaction regarding unhealthy eating. Although there were bad influencers among all the couples, in straight couples it was almost always the husband who negatively affected his spouse’s eating habits. Homosexual couples had more synchronicity. They agreed on eatable indulgences. It seems there are lots of reasons pizza is America’s most popular food.

However, there is good news about marriage. It’s good for the heart. A study published in Health Psychology found people who were married when they had coronary artery bypass surgery were 2.5 times likelier to survive 15 years. However, men benefited whether their marriage was good or bad. Eighty-three percent of men with good marriages survived 15 years, but 60% with bad marriages survived that long too. Supposedly, the emotional component of marriage is more important to women. Men just need to have someone around – the ring on the finger not being as important as the ring around the collar.

 

HOW MANY PEOPLE WHO SAY "I DO" DO?

The number of long-lasting marriages has increased. According to the 2010 census, more than 50% of married couples have been married at least 15 years, about 33% for 25 years and 6% for more than 50 years. According to demographers and sociologists who study families, one reason for longer-lasting marriages is people are marrying later in life – after completing their education. They are more mature and financially secure. In fact, people who are college educated, more affluent or more religious are likelier to stay married. A proposal is more than an “educated guess”.

People who aren’t college-educated, more affluent or more religious are less likely to get married. If they do, they’re more likely to get divorced. People without a college degree are 3 times likelier to divorce within the first 10 years than those with a college degree. That’s according to the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. According to the 2010 census, divorce rates have leveled off since peaking in the early 1980’s. Approximately 40% of marriages end in divorce and most divorces occur within the first eight years. However, nearly 33% of adults never marry. That number has increased in every age group over the past 15 years. Obviously, those people are “single-minded”.

Whether a spouse cheats depends more on power than gender. A study published in the journal Psychological Science surveyed 1,561 professional workers to measure how powerful they perceived themselves, how confident, how likely to consider cheating and how often they had cheated. Out of 1,250 people answering the cheating questions, 26.3% had cheated - the more powerful the person – male or female – the more likely he/she was to cheat. The reason we hear more about men cheating is because more men are in power. As power in business shifts, more women will be unfaithfully “men-acing”.

Finally, household chores affect women and men differently. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology was comprised of 30 dual-earner couples, each with at least 1 child ages 8-10. The average age was 41; the average marriage was 13 years. During 4 days of videotaping, cortisol levels in saliva – which increase with stress – were measured repeatedly. The wives’ cortisol levels dropped when their husbands helped with housework. However, the husbands’ cortisol levels dropped when their wives were doing housework and they were relaxing. Undoubtedly, before couples are married their “courtisol” levels are much more equal.

 

WHAT STUDIES RELATE TO RELATIONSHIPS?

Beware of staredowns. They are likelier to be initiated by controlling people. A study published in Psychological Science asked 40 volunteers (half men, half women) to look at 90 images of happy, angry or neutral-looking faces. When the images disappeared, the volunteers with the most controlling personalities spent more time looking where the angry faces had been. Supposedly, dominant people reflectively maintain eye contact when confronted with social aggression. This automatic preparedness for a staring contest can be traced back to the animal kingdom when a break in eye contact meant vulnerability. Maybe intimidation needs to be spelled with only 2 “eyes”.

Men’s fingers usually indicate if they’re married or single. However, the Web site Rent did a 2011 survey of single males that might show why some are still single. For example, 47% pay a mortgage, 39% rent and 14% live with family or friends. In fact, 46% of adult, single men under age 25 live rent-free. Regarding the conventional wisdom that housing costs should be about 25% of a monthly budget, 38% spent 25%-50% and 7% spent more than 50%. Finally, an impressive 87% claimed to clean their own apartment; but 5% relied on mom. Perhaps this survey is a description of “single-mindedness”.

Men’s fingers also indicate how handsome they are. That’s according to a study done at the University of Geneva. The relationship is a ratio called “2D:4D” because it compares the  length of the second digit (index finger) on the right hand with the fourth digit (ring finger). It seems the more testosterone males are exposed to as fetuses, the more the fourth digit grows and the more attractive the face becomes. To test the theory 49 female college students judged pictures of 49 male college students. The males with higher 2D:4D ratios were “fingered” as more attractive.

Finally, there’s a new phenomenon in relationships – “grandpuppies”. Evolutionary biologists say the relationship between humans and dogs dates back at least 14,000 years. Dogs have gone from protector, to hunter, to companion. Because women in the 21^st century are waiting longer to have children, dogs are now filling the family roles of both child and grandchild. Some grandpuppies have Facebook pages. Others have Skype visits with their grandparents. Retailers are selling t-shirts, dog bowls, note cards, mouse pads and coffee cups with grandpuppy images on them. It seems the grandparents of grandpuppies can be “dogged” in their devotion.

 

WHAT KEEPS RELATIONSHIPS FROM SINKING?

Double dating can improve relationships. A study done at Wayne State University involved 60 heterosexual couples who’d been dating at least a year. Each couple filled out a questionnaire about their relationship. Then each couple spent time with a couple they didn’t know. Half of the couples were given probing questions to discuss and half were given “small talk”. Not only did 10 sets of probers make a date to get together again, but a second questionnaire a month later showed the probing couples felt closer than the small talking couples did. Maybe more probes, less “prob-lems”.

Money is often a problem that affects marriage. According to 2011 research by Cornell University, the more financially independent a woman is, the less eager she is to get married. Workingwomen are 50% more likely to move in with their partner and 15% less likely to marry than women who don’t work steadily. However, men who have above-average salaries are 26% more likely to get married than men with average salaries. Traditionally, men have earned more money than women, but by 2030 researchers believe the average woman will earn more than the average man – and the average marriage won’t be average anymore.

Time together also affects marriage. A 2011 survey of 2,000 British adults discovered the “three-year glitch” – the time when couples started to take each other for granted. The poll compared feedback from those in short-term relationships (less than 3 years) with people who were married or in longer-term partnerships. Sixty-seven percent of all the participants said small irritations became major irritations after about 3 years. For example, those in younger relationships averaged 3 compliments weekly versus 1 compliment weekly after 3 years. However, the top 5 “irritations” were weight gain, money, working hours, hygiene and in-laws - from irritated to irate in 3 years.

The happiest relationships are those of young, married people who haven’t started a family. That’s according to a government-backed, British study tracking 40,000 households for 20 years. The study also found married couples are happier than their cohabitating peers, but women seem to experience a greater decline in happiness than men. The unhappiest relationships are those of couples with preschool children. However, those relationships become happier as the youngest child grows up. Nevertheless, of the 1,268 young people surveyed, 60% were “completely satisfied” with family life. Hopefully, half of that percentage was married to the other half.

 

ARE WOMEN IN THE WAY OF RELATIONSHIPS?

Women prefer men who are hard to get. That was the finding of a study done at the University of Virginia. Forty-seven female undergraduates looked at 4 fake Facebook profiles of college men. The women were told which of the four had rated their Facebook profiles with high ratings, average ratings or undisclosed ratings. The women, however, gave their highest ratings to the men whose ratings were unknown – not to the men who’d given them high ratings. Interestingly, the researchers believed the results would have been similar if they’d used 47 male undergraduates – just as “high-minded”.

Most women – 51% according to a Fitness Magazine survey – would give up sex for 1 year to be thin. That was only 1 of the surprising findings when 2,400 women were surveyed about diets. Forty-three percent of the women had skipped meals regularly to lose weight. Thirty-nine percent had taken diet pills and 40% went on their first diet in high school or middle school. Another study done in 2011 found 61% of women thought about what their body looks like during sex. Unfortunately, in real life the women with runway-model figures are “thin excuses” for healthy women.

Maybe women should consider birth order when looking for a mate. According to CBS’s “Early Show” psychiatrist, birth order affects relationships. Supposedly, first borns crave attention, are motivated and responsible, but anxiety-prone. Middle children are easy-going, diplomatic and realistic, but unfocused and indecisive. Last borns are outgoing, rebellious and creative, but dependent. Only children are self-confident, self-reliant and academically successful, but perfectionists. Based on that, the most compatible matches are between first borns and last borns or first borns and middle children. The worst matches are between 2 first borns or 2 last borns. However, regarding romantic relationships, I’m not sure where born-agains fit in.

However, once women find it, love can last. That was the conclusion of a study published in Social Cognitive and Effective Neuroscience. The brains of 10 women and 7 men – all who were still madly in love after 21 years of marriage – were scanned while they looked at pictures which included their beloveds, friends and acquaintances. The scans were then compared with those of people in love for less than a year. When looking at their beloveds, the scans of both groups showed significant brain activity – which could lead one to believe a child resulting from love is a “brain child”.

 

ARE RELATIONSHIPS BECOMING LESS "RELATIVE"?

Previous studies have shown that marriage reduces stress. According to a study published in the journal Stress, committed relationships do too. Five hundred and one masters of business administration students (348 men and 153 women) took a 90-minute, computerized test that they were told was a course requirement and would affect their career placement. Saliva tests for cortisol – the stress hormone – were taken before and after the testing. Although cortisol concentrations increased in all the students, it “shot up” in the single students. It seems that both married and committed couples handle stress better because of “twogetherness”.

Unfortunately, a phone survey of 2,691 adults by the Pew Research Center found that 39% of Americans think marriage is becoming obsolete – that’s up 11% from a 1978 Time Magazine survey. That statistic is reflected in Census data that shows the percentage of married adults is decreasing. There were 72% in 1960, 57% in 2000 and 54% in 2010. However, the median age for first marriages is increasing. In 2010 it was the highest ever – 28.2 for men and 26.1 for women. Although the survey also found that 44% of adults have cohabitated, 64% of those considered cohabitation a step toward marriage – especially if it’s a “baby step”.

More information extracted from the Pew Research Center’s survey showed that American adults are redefining what “family” means. Eighty-six percent of those surveyed said a single parent and a child are a family, 80% said an unmarried couple living together with a child are a family and 63% said a gay or lesbian couple living together with a child are a family. Childless married couples were also considered to be families by 88% of the survey participants, but 54% of them said cohabitating couples without children weren’t families – cohabitating couples were more familiar than familial.

Different groups consider themselves families. The brotherhood of NBA teams is shown in high fives, chest bumps and head slaps. In a study published in the journal Emotion, researchers taped the 2008-2009 early season games for all 30 teams, recorded the number of times each team’s players communicated through touch and followed the teams’ successes throughout the season. Touch was linked to more cooperative play. The more touching a team displayed, the better they played and the more successful they were as individuals and as a team. Obviously, NBA teams wanting to be more successful should “touch up” their games.

 

ARE OUR RELATIONSHIPS SINKING?

Sixty-six percent of American families sometimes or always sleep with children in their bed and 16% sleep with pets. That’s according to a 2005 survey. According to a 2005 survey by the National Sleep Foundation, almost 25% of couples sleep in separate beds or bedrooms. In fact, the National Association of Home Builders predicts 60% of custom homes will have 2 master bedrooms by 2015. Reasons given for separate sleeping include snoring, restless leg syndrome, television viewing and different sleep schedules. It seems Americans are increasingly making sleep a priority. Separate bed or bedrooms can be an escape from “bed-lam”. 

Same bedroom or separate, a British study found the longer couples are married, the less they talk to each other. During a 1-hour meal couples who are dating talk an average of 50 minutes. Immediately after marriage talking drops to 40 minutes. After 20 years couples talk an average of 21 minutes. After 30 years it’s 16 minutes and by 50 years the average married couple talk for 3 minutes during a 1-hour meal. Nevertheless, it was Bill Cosby who said, “For two people to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked”. 

However, instead of divorcing, some couples choose to be “permanently separated”. Permanent separation has several benefits such as filing joint tax returns, being covered by the spouse’s insurance and continuing a relationship with someone impossible to live with. Billionaire Warren Buffet separated from his wife in 1977, but stayed married to her until her death in 2004. Artist Willem de Kooning was separated from his wife until her death 34 years later. Jann Wenner, co-founder of the magazine Rolling Stone, separated from his wife in 1995. There’s political and religious and now there seems to be marital “separatism”. 

Married, divorced or separated, friends extend life. Researchers reviewed 148 studies linking friendship and mortality. The studies involved more than 308,000 participants, who were followed for an average of 7.5 years, and covered social networks, perception of relationships and integration in community. According to the results, people with strong friendships reduced their odds of dying prematurely by 50%. That’s the same benefit as from stopping smoking and almost twice the benefit as from physical activity – and that’s regardless of age, gender, health status and cause of death. Friends help us deal with stress, encourage healthy behavior and add meaning to life. They’re “lifelines”.